The Death of Expectations

Three weeks ago, within what felt like a few days, my school went from “business as usual” to remote teaching and my state followed quickly with a lockdown. The suddenness was shocking as I scrambled to move three classes online over a weekend. The shock was soon followed by a profound sense of loss - the loss of my expectations of how this next year of my life was going to progress. This was my last semester teaching (after 20+ years) and I was blessed with an evening class full of former students who wanted to be there for my final session. My imagination envisioned our final day as a time of community (we always have a potluck on the last day) and a chance to get one last experience of the energy that a room full of committed, complex students creates. Losing my vision of that has been hard - for me and for them. 

In general, my first response was focusing on loss: loss of community, loss of the ability to hold loved ones, loss of my exhibition activities, loss of my freedom and security. I fully understood that I’m lucky to have a job and a home, especially during this time, and I felt guilty when I was consumed by my own losses because so many have it so much worse. 

Finally, midway through this past week I noticed a change. I woke up with a sense of purpose and a question: what do I want to achieve during this time? The days have the same value and meaning they always did, so what am I going to make of it? It won’t be the farewell to teaching I imagined, but this time period has so much to offer us beyond loss. There’s gratitude for everyone who’s keeping us alive, learning to strengthen our inner “grit” muscles, developing an appreciation for the small details in our lives (the smell of furniture polish), finding new ways to be creative in confinement, and above all, kindness, as we forgive ourselves and others. 

Yes, this isn’t what I envisioned, but it’s here and I want to make something of it.